Ah, one day before my internship officially begins! I'm extremely nervous about it. You know, being a virgin in the working environment. hehe.

Being alone here in Penang does not do much to soothe me too. I miss home so, so, so much. To be very honest, I don't expect myself missing home so much at such early stage. Ah well, i'm just one of the lucky ones who happen to enjoy my lil hut. :)

The past few days had me question myself as to why I want to go through all the troubles of doing my internship here in Penang. I mean it's just an internship. I can just do it anywhere right? Ah well, I don't know. Money is definitely an issue now for me. I spent a total of RM 500 for the past 2 days! Have been skimming down on my food as I can't really skim down on buying the essentials.

I could just sit back and relax doing my internship in Kuching. You know, to have the facility of a car, air cond, CLEAN TOILET, top notch kitchen utensils.. and yet i chose this road. Questionable? hell ya! Just thinking of having to take bus so early in the morning and the fact that i will only reach the room more than 12 hours later is making me feeling pathetic. The fact that i need to walk so much makes me feel so lazy. Haih. But people say bersusah susah dahulu, bersenang senang kemudian kan? =S

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will be a valuable experience for me before I really embark to the REAL working arena.

Amen.

Cheers for the friendship!

Today, for the first time in my university life I shed tears for a friend in university.

Two months ago, I did a successful class trip with two Malay friends, a guy and a girl. We were in the same class twice, but still when we started the project, we were complete strangers.

To be completely honest, I was not looking forward to working with them - yes, I was being racist. Much thanks to all my horrifying experiences. But, when we started working on it, I was just so surprise at how responsible they are. We were swamp with so many problems prior to the trip, but we wanted so badly for it to happen. I was determine, they were determine.

I believe each of us spent almost RM 40 solely on our phone credit. There was so much to do - more like all the shits come just after we had confirmed everything so there was no way for the trip to be canceled. But what amazed me is that, the word "give up" never came out from their mouth. We were just so into clearing the shits and make it happen.

Alas, it was meant to be. We had so much fun and because we were working so closely, in the process we got so much closer.It must have been teamwork that made the trip so successful. It was all worth it to have everyone written in their facebook how fun the trip was.

Yesterday was the last class we had. It was a class party. I managed to catch up with them - not having to talk since the trip ended because we didn't have anymore class after that. All three of us were complimenting each other. They said I was good, I told them they were good. They were probably the only people I ever talk with about careers in life. You know, it's always nice to have the mature conversation with "eligible people". They give you advises, and you give them your thoughts.

I woke up today, doing the normal routine I always did. Check my email, blog, tweetdeck and facebook. One of them left me a message saying how much he missed the trip, and how sad he was that the trip has ended. I was touched and it definitely brought me to tears.

I definitely miss the trip a lot, and miss working with these two new friends more.. but good times always end. At least in the process, I got two new friends. :)

I've been thinking a lot the past few days. Well, to be honest I am someone who thinks a lot before coming up with a decision - even though not all the time, my decision is right. Favorite place to think? In the plane! I made a lot of life decisions in the plane.

So what have I been thinking?

Life after university.

Six months ago, if you ask me, I can confidently answer you that I had chose to settle down in Kuching. That, all I ask is for a decent pay, for me to be able to provide for my parents, be with them, buy them holiday packages and bring them for breakfast - just like how they had treated me since I was young. You can say that the decision was made solely for my parents.

I love my parents. I've never told them this but I love them. True enough, I had always wish they were like other parents where I could share my thoughts and they would be involved in whatever I do. But at the end of the day, they are still my parents. Without them, I wouldn't be here typing this entry. And I always felt a huge obligation to take care of them. I don't know why and how my sister never felt this.

But now that I am less than a month to graduation (practical doesn't count) I don't think I can give you the same answer. I still wanna take care of my parents of course! but I love the corporate life. You know , being busy, attending conventions, wearing suits and taking over the men's job - (hehe, yes I admit i'm a little sexist :P). And this is something Kuching can't offer me.

I guess being in interviews and having the chance to deal with people from outside totally changed my perception. I used to have thoughts of settling down in Penang because I think it's a city almost similar to Kuching. But after having been into an interview there, I realized it might not be the place I want to work with. While I am quite fluent with mandarin now, I don't foresee myself happily working in a mandarin speaking environment. I don't know. Perhaps I have been dealing with a lot of mandarin speaking people and I just don't see myself getting along well with them. Of course, i have only been into one interview lah. But in general people in Penang speaks mandarin and hokkien.. and I love English.

I used to always swore that I would not want to work in KL. I don't like the time spent traveling to one place because I always find traveling by land very tiring. But again, being in an interview and dealing with people there changed my perception. I love the culture. I love that people I'm dealing with speaks great English that puts me in awe. (I personally don't think I can deal with anymore people speaking/writing terrible english. Mine is not so good either - but at least at my level, please?) I love to feel that there is the tension in the workplace - you know the busyness. I love the fact that it takes high security to enter an office - that I feel exclusive if i were to work there.

I can't say anything about Kuching because I've never worked in Kuching. I love to work with big brands - because I love branding and I really can't think one big brand that I know that has their offices in Kuching. I'm not talking about their care centre - Like MAS cause these offices are usually not involved in the decision making process which is not fun loh. haha

Hmmm.. perhaps I will get an answer for this in my next plane ride which is just end of this month. Hehe.

My tears has been my food day and night

Yesterday was one of the many nights I wept to sleep.

It wasn't exactly because of the interview anymore. Of course, it was the core reason.

But what makes me even more sad was that, I was looking at my phone, for a very, very long time. NOT knowing who to text, not knowing who to call.

I am alone. All the while, I was walking alone going through a tough time.

But hey, at least I learn not to be emotionally dependent on anyone anymore. I was, but i have learned.

When it is not meant to be

Without a doubt, the past weekend has got to be the most depressing time of my life. For once, I just felt like all the doors are shut upon me. And it was also for once, I just don't want to talk. . I want silence. No music, no noise. Just me, myself and God.

People always see me as someone who is happy go lucky and live by the directions of where my life leads me to. But what people don't know is that, I always have a clear and concrete plan of my directions. I may not write them down but I know what I want to do, I know where I want to work, I know my targets. And when I have it plan, I work towards it.

Two years ago, i came by an article that impressed me so much that I made up my mind there and then that "this is going to be the company I want to work with." So naturally, when I was asked to apply for an internship, that was the only company I applied to. Why? I've always viewed that when you apply for an internship, it has to be with the company you want to work with now and in the future. Otherwise, just accept wherever the university place you. So, yes, applied I did.

I must have send in a kick ass cover letter and resume that I got the call back just a day after - offering me a position. You don't normally get a call back that soon. But I did. Problem was, they scheduled an interview during the "peak time" where I was practically bombarded with all the assignments and mid sems and I was only going to be free a week later! I didn't think it was appropriate for me to reschedule my interview - more so when I'm only available a week later. So, I went. Hey, this is the company I want to work with ok? If you don't understand the excitement, it's like falling deeply in love with a guy and he finally calls you for a date! You don't just tell him you can't make it right?

I had to finish a huge chunk of workload and this result to me not having time to sleep for almost 72 hours prior to my interview! What makes problem worse was that, the internet was down all the time and I could not do my research about the company and the position. I didn't thought much about the research tho' cause I know the company well enough.

Then, it was THE day! I've had my resumes and cv with me, google mapped the place and all. I was quite prepared - or so I thought. Caught some sleep in the plane, and in the bus later. I was still very sleep deprived and at that point, I just wanted to have it over and done with.

I reached the place about 30 minutes earlier but only entered 15 minutes later cause I couldn't find anyone to open the door for me. (tight security lah!) It took me about 2 hours from the airport to reach the place and just before I could catch a breathe from the sweat of traveling (by bus for more than an hour ok!) so far, I was asked to do a test. I could have expected to do a test during an interview, you know asking about career goals and all but what I didn't expect as I was asked to write 3 ..ummm essays and letters. And it was not about the career goals and the shit ok. It was something related to the job. ( can't write what it is here lah.)

After traveling the whole morning, sleep deprived, the last thing i could do is to come out with a THREE kick ass essay! In fact, I had the whole paper blank for about 15 minutes before I decided to just write what ever that crossed my mind. My handwriting suck balls because it was not only the essay that I need to write, there's still a lot of other questions I need to answer - and I was only given 30 minutes!

And the exam totally sucked my confident. I was almost certain I wont be able to get the internship placement just by judging from the shit I wrote in the paper! Crap, thinking back of what I write makes me so embarrass ok! Then it was the interview. To be really honest, I didn't think the interviewee was really prepared to interview me. I did ok in the Q & A but, Jesus, if there's a mark for the test, I could have scored a zero. Seriously! And what I also didn't expect was technically, I won't be working under "the company" but the subsidiary instead. Again, back to the fact that I couldn't do my research!

After the interview end, I couldn't stop blaming myself at how terrible I did. I couldn't stop thinking how stupid I was. It was only when I called my mom I realized what was wrong, " I wasn't prepared." Yes , indeed. I was sleep deprived- the core reason why I could not think at all! It was then I realized my mistake - I should have asked to reschedule the interview.

I spent the whole weekend being depressed about how foolish I was to screw a chance of working with the company I yearn for. Because it was not that I was not able to perform, I just went to the interview not prepared and well lady luck was not on my side. Should I have time to do a little more research, i think I could have done slightly a little better. At least I would have known about the subsidiary that I was gonna work for a little better.

No one could understand how disappointed I was with the interview. It's alright I don't expect anyone to. After all, "it was just an interview." Others may get, thousands of rejection letters and at the position worse than me. Truth is, they are wrong. I am different. I was offered a position that I have already worked for, and it was not the skills I lack. Heck, during the interview I was not even nervous. I just made a mistake of going in to an interview when I was too tired to think. and I didn't have the privilege (fuck the wireless) to do my research at all. This was all something that is not within my control. That made me different from others who fail. It's never nice to be rejected when you know you have what it takes, but it all happens at the wrong time.

It has been exactly a week since the interview. I got the "no" yesterday - pretty much prepared for it already so I was fine. But when I woke up this morning, I felt so empty. I felt like a chunk of my heart was taken out from me. It's a funny feeling but one that is not pleasant. I have accepted the fact that it was not meant to be. Because if it was, I would have it scheduled this week, where i am currently having quite an ample time in my hands and the fucking internet is friggin fast.

I'm quite over it. After all, it was just an internship. I'm only 23 and yes, I still want to work with them. In case you haven't learn the morale of the story, it is : never go to an interview when you are sleep deprived and have no time to prepare for it. Go only if you know you have at least a day free prior to the interview. Rest well before your interview!

Yee Sang

To think that, two years ago , today (following the Chinese Calendar), I spent an evening at your house after a yee sang session with friends.I still have a blurred picture of you that night, that you said will cause the "Edison Chen scene".

I miss you and I can't wait to see you. Soon!

Need to get rid of the kilos and pimples! >.<

Way back into love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh